You know how I usually love your ideas?
- No. - Right!
Well, the idea of us all vacationing together is so bad
I'm making up a word.
Gag-bysmal.
Families vacation together. And we're just like any other family.
We've got the dreamer, the schemer, the queen bee, the damaged goods,
the iron fist, and the one we all feel sorry for.
- Well, which one am I? - I'm the queen bee, yeah?
No, no, guys I'm not going to tell you.
Boo!
- Pipe down, damaged goods. - I knew it.
If we go on a trip, it should be someplace incredible, like...
- France. - Cracker Jack factory.
- Cracker Jack factory? - France?
What if we go to the Wine Country?
- I'm in. - Done.
- I like it. - For sure.
Mister, we're gonna see where you were born.
We're gonna pound so much grape, we should get a driver.
Since Trav dropped out of college, he's free.
[Laughs] That's not funny.
No, it's OK. I'm coolio.
No one who says "coolio" is cool. That's why Coolio is named Coolio.
Fine, I'm not coolio.
Yeah, I finally get my life together and get my own apartment,
and then Trav just slides right in and becomes me.
Mama-san.
It must be time for my daily scolding.
Look at you. You've turned into some kind of ne'er-do-well.
What's that?
I don't know, something that Ellie called him.
- It's an irresponsible, idle person. - Well, then you're King Ne'er-do-well.
- Nailed it. - Thanks.
So, I called your college and said you left school
because your grandmother has syphilis. It's OK, there's a little truth to that.
Whoa.
Nana Cobb?
We're moving her to a less "swingy" retirement home, but let's stay on you.
Travis, I know that you asked a girl to marry you and she said no,
and that just really sucks, but you can't run away from your life.
This isn't about Kirsten anymore.
I don't know what I want to do, but I know I'm not gonna find it
trapped in a classroom, going through the motions, but not really alive,
- like some sort of ghost. - I don't believe in ghosts.
Because if they were real, I'd like to think
that I would be felt up all the time.
[Laughs]
I feel like we're done here. So, same time tomorrow?
Sure, honey, love you.
Why are you in here holding my baby?
Uh, because I assume no one else does.
- Oh. - Honey,
is it OK if we draw six-pack abs on Stan
to pretend he's a 'roided-up baby wrestler?
- You've already done that, yes? - Mm-hmm.
[Grayson growls]
[As pro wrestler] I got a message to all the babies out there.
OK, if you step to my crib, you're getting a diaper full of ass whooping!
'Cause I'm bringing the pain!
Do you hear me, brothers? Do you hear me?
- Psh! - Ohh!
Argh.
I hope it was worth it, 'cause now you have to take him to the park.
Can't! Bobby's taking me sunglasses shopping.
If you guys are in a bind, I can take the little bruiser.
You are a lifesaver. I have to get that allergy shot today, remember?
- I'm glad I could help. - Thank you.
You really getting a shot?
- No, but I'll find something to do. - OK.
So, this is just your life now?
Hanging out on a boat,
wandering into town with your robe on to get a sandwich?
You know, you're very close to turning into that music producer
- who murders people. - God, I love Subway.
You can pile on all the toppings you want. Plus, they do breakfast now.
Oh.
And with the 12 bucks I have in my pocket,
I can eat here for what, like, 30 years?
Travis, if my mom had paid for college, I would have never blown it off.
My mom stole my hair and sold it to a doll company, so I'm stuck in this town.
Stuck here forever. Just this morning, I saw this big billboard
and it said cheap tickets to Hawaii, and I thought, "Yeah, you know, why not?"
Why don't I just max out my credit card and just go to Hawaii.
- What? Am I making any sense to you? - Perfect sense.
Ellie?
Oh. Sorry I thought it was Grayson.
Let me guess, you two are going on tour with Huey Lewis?
I wish.
No, Bobby got us these so we can do that 80s movie thing guys do
when a hot chick walks by.
- Damn! - Damn!
Shouldn't one of you be biting his finger?
Uh.
I'm gonna go practice that in the mirror.
Babe, let's go do something, I'll call...
Can't, I promised Bobby I'd help him pick out a new bed.
We like the same firmness so...
If you're leaving me for him, don't drag it out, just do it.
Nah.
Ever since he got money, you two are spending way too much time together.
I'm just helping him nest. It's a guy thing.
It really isn't.
[Whistles]
Even tastier walking away.
- Here's your little fella. - Oh, sweetie.
- Tom! - Yeah?
- Take him to Andy. - Come here.
Tom's our inter-house shuttle. I pay him with head pats.
Sounds normal. Thanks for letting me watch Stan.
I love kids.
Hm. Hmm.
- What are you gonna do about that? - What?
You always say you're done having kids,
and he wants a baby so badly I can hear his clock ticking.
Guys don't have clocks. Oh, here you go, Tom.
Thank you.
You're wrong. Old ferret eyes is like four centimeters dilated right now.
He does want kids eventually,
but it's not like he's obsessing on children and...
[sings Elmo's Song]
Oh, crap.
- Whooo! - Whooo!
- Well, thank you, ladies. - [Jules] Now it's our bit
because we have bigger glasses and we added the hand thing.
How'd it go?
Travis moved to Hawaii.
That was pretty good. Let's do it again.
Don't.
OK, so I've been trying to call Trav, but he won't pick up,
so finding him is not going to be easy.
Hawaii is not just one island,
it's a group of islands. The largest one is Hawaii.
Time out. So is Hawaii one of the islands, or what is it, all the islands?
Brace yourself. Both.
- Well, that's unacceptable. - No!
- Ridiculous. - I know.
But, luckily, me and Carl have been doing some research,
- problem is I left my notes at Ellie's. - Got it!
Thanks, Tom. Here you go. Oh, take this to Ellie's, will you?
- On it. - OK.
- So, he just goes in our house now? - [Cell phone chimes]
Jules, Travis texted me.
He's on the North Shore, he's trying to scam a job at the Turtle Bay Resort.
OK, now I just have to go over there and get him.
Well, he's my boy too, so I'm coming with.
It's my fault that he left. I'll go.
We were just talking about a group vacation.
Sweetie, I can't. I have too many commitments and responsibilities.
[All laughing]
- That was good, right? - Yeah, that was good.
Can't we just call Trav, or send him a strongly worded e-mail?
- [All] Dude. - Stop being a parade-rainer-on-er.
We're taking a group vacation!
- Yeah! - Yay!
Unfortunately, it's to save my son
from making a life mistake that he may never recover from...
[whispering]... in Hawaii.
[All] Yeah!
[Quietly] Hawaii...
So you know how it was my job to call the hotel
and switch our two-bedroom suite to a single since my mom's watching Stan?
I kind of got sidetracked.
He drove me to get a toothbrush for the trip, but along the way we saw
the county fair. Long story short, we may have won a square dancing contest.
Idiots. Go on.
So we're stuck paying for two bedrooms. Unless... Sell it, Bobby.
I know this guy who also can't get a room.
Now, since there's an extra bed, and there's three of us...
Good God!
I always let Andy pack for me.
He brings crazy slutty outfits, and then I get to shop.
Crafty. Ugh. I don't think I can shove my body into a bikini right now.
I mean, I have a serious case of winter legs.
Oh, please. You're beautiful.
- Ew! What is with the stomach kiss? - He's trying to jump-start my uterus.
But with all this stuff going on with Trav, I just, I can't deal right now.
When he wants to talk about babies,
you just talk about something he doesn't want to think about.
Like how I want to try living together for six months and if it works,
we sell one of our houses? His house.
[Bad accent] "That's the Chicago way. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun."
- The Untouchables! - Is that that movie
about the boy in the bubble? I can't watch it, it's too sad.
[Both laughing]
- Did I say something funny? - Not on purpose.
Oh, shoot! All right, how much time do I have left to pack?
Oh, the car got here ten minutes ago.
- Well, help me. - [Laughs] All right.
- Just cram it in. - Listen, we have...
Wow! Look at this place!
- Aloha. - [Gasps] They really say that,
- that's a real thing! - OK, I know we're all excited,
Laurie made that clear on the plane when she stripped down to her bra
because she said it looked like a bikini top, which it doesn't.
Can we all try not to act like idiots?
[Chuckles]
Look what we got at the gift shop!
- Whooo! - Owww!
Can you believe them? Jules?
[Yelling] Water slide in a sundress!
Whooo!
- It totally does. - It doesn't.
[Sings Hukilao Song]
It's impressive.
And a pretty view.
Uh!
I wonder how long it will be until some fat guy in a banana hammock ruins it?
Oh, five seconds.
Andy...
I wonder if Bobby's scared being all by himself.
I didn't have a job for your son, but I pointed him to this address.
It's a shack outside town where broke travelers can get a good night's sleep.
OK, my baby's in a shack.
- Thanks for your help, Blake. - My pleasure, Ms. Cobb.
- All right, let it out. - [Groaning] Blake!
So pressed and put together.
Plus, with that black eye, you know he's fun.
Uh. He can manage my hotel anytime.
Mine, too.
Oh, my gosh, you guys! Look at the little baby in the hula skirt.
It is amazing that you can have one of those just slide out of your body.
Slide my ass! Travis came out doing the splits.
You ever think about doing that again?
I'm just talking, drinking a blue drink.
Yeah, I think about that stuff all the time.
Like being here, you know, if we can get along so good in such a tiny hotel room,
imagine how comfortable it would be to live together in a big house.
I should go pay the tab.
[Bad accent] The Chicago way.
[Tires squeal]
- Got the rental. - Shocker!
It's perfect. Travis has no job, no friends,
and he lives in a shack. He's gonna be dying to come home.
[Tires squeal]
No way!
Aloha, guys!
I taught everyone Penny Can, except here we use a coconut and a rock.
[All yelling] Coco-Rock!
Mom, I'm sorry. I should've told you what I was doing.
- You think? - I just got inspired and went with it.
It's like last Thanksgiving when I got the idea to make the pumpkin bread,
only way bigger.
I've been having nightmares that you joined a pack of Hawaiian hobos,
you're fighting no-legged dogs for fish scraps.
[Scoffs]
I had a no-legged dog once. He couldn't stop rolling over and over and over.
[Laughs]
I know it's no time for jokes, but that was gold, baby.
- Hey, what's up? - Oh! This is my boy!
Hi, I'm Ted Buckland, but, uh, people call me the Buck.
- I'm betting they don't. - I'd like them to.
Ted is mad famous, he can take any song and make it sad.
That's a useful skill and I wanna see it,
but, Travis, I need to talk to you.
"Love Shack"!
[Sadly sings Love Shack]
Wow, I want to kill myself.
Thank you.
Mom, I know you're worried about me, and I wanna show you that I'm OK,
but it's gonna have to wait until tomorrow because I'm going to this party
and I'd invite you, but, locals only, brah.
- You've been here three days! - Right?
[Sadly sings The Trolley Song]
Come on, everybody!
He lives in a shack. He sits on the beach all day and parties all night.
What kind of life is that?
- Awesome one? - Best life ever.
First time I've ever been jealous of him.
Good friends would lie.
Oh, yeah, Big Kimo will make me feel better.
He likes to put rum in his breakfast smoothie.
[Laurie chuckles]
Is that the candle holder from your room?
Mm. Don't worry about it.
Since the hotel shops are closed,
I thought you guys would like to see what my husband thinks
is appropriate resort wear.
Oh.
It's for the lady who likes to lounge by the pool, but also get paid for sex.
You can do that? Is that a job?
- It's ridiculous. - It's not stupid.
- Hey. - Hey.
You know, I know you're worried about Trav, but it's not all bad.
You have great island hair.
You know when the wind hits it just right,
I look like I'm in a Duran Duran video.
[Chuckles]
Listen, I'm sorry I bailed on you yesterday when you brought up moving in.
So rude.
Especially since I've been pestering you about whether you want another kid.
[Sighs]
Do you know what? We should talk about it all.
Tonight. Yeah, after your day with Trav.
- The Chicago way? - What?
- What'd you say?
Nothing. No, I think that's great.
- All right. - OK.
Brace yourself, Big Kimo, I'm coming in.
Andy, come help me take the tags off my new clothes
so you can see how much money you spent.
Did you know that hotels charge 30 bucks for socks?
Bobby and I spent the last two hours inventing a knock language.
[Rapid knocking on door]
[Laughing]
That guy.
That guy. You realize you can just walk out there and just see him.
It's not the same.
[Bobby] Yeah, we want to be inside friends!
If you come in here and invade my space, I'm gonna chop you up and feed you to...
Hmm! Hmm!
Ka-va-he-ney i-hon-a-wah.
She's the volcano goddess.
I bought a $200 book on Hawaiian culture at the gift shop.
- [Bobby] I got it. - You may enter.
I love you too, man.
It's a coconut tree.
Oh!
One hanging coconut.
Shake it!
Come on, shake it harder.
Oh, oh! Ow!
My head! I'm dead.
Hawaiian suicide.
[Sighs]
This is my favorite beach.
I come here every morning after I stop at that Kona coffee hut.
The best cup of joe ever, am I right?
It's all right.
Mmmm.
I hope I never pee this out.
[Chuckles]
You're right. It is beautiful.
Hiking up to that waterfall this morning, I started to believe in God
even more than the time that I prayed out Uncle Norm's foot cancer.
- He still lost his foot. - Yeah, he's alive.
- What're you gonna do for money? - I already have a job.
When elderly tourists get sick I sell them fake prescriptions.
- No! - Kidding.
Look, I'll show you where I work, OK.
But for now, can we just enjoy the view?
Fine.
Oh, my God! I want to snort this!
[Chuckles]
Compliments of the manager.
Thanks, you're a prince, VB!
- VB? - Vacation boyfriend.
- Mark my words, I'm tagging that. - I hear a classy girl.
We're watching the loop on the hotel channel.
[All] With seven restaurants to choose from,
dining at this great resort is a feast for the senses.
Bobby, remember that fun talk we had about invading my space?
'Cause back home, I recall you going to get a new toothbrush,
but you then you got... sidetracked.
Now my toothbrush is wet.
- Go, go, go, go! Go! - Stay down.
- Did you use it? - No.
- Then why is it wet? - It's humid here.
- Why isn't yours wet? - I blow-dried it.
- Why would you do that? - If it's wet,
it feels like someone else used it and it grosses me out.
- Show me your toothbrush. - Can't.
- Why? - It's on the beach.
- Why again? - Who wouldn't want to brush their teeth
- by the ocean? - It's the Hawaiian way.
Is it?
This is your job? You wax surfboards?
- Yeah, brah. - You don't even surf.
You know what they say, those that can't do... wax.
Calm down, Buck.
Oh, yeah, Buck's in the house!
I gots to say, I like working with my hands.
Please! You used to put on gloves to play in your sandbox.
Will you admit it? Life here is pretty sick.
So sick, dude.
OK, let's stop kidding around. What the hell are you doing?
[Sadly sings Take On Me]
- See? I told you so. - You didn't just put this here?
'Cause it looks new, and it says
- "Turtle Bay Resort" on it. - Must be a chain.
- Really, a chain? - Yeah.
When's the last time you were at the hotel?
- Last year. - Where?
- Ohio. - Cincinnati.
What is your problem? Dad thinks my life here is cool.
Your dad doesn't worry about the future, he lives in the now.
Hm. Well, that's a beautiful thought, isn't it?
Travis, I have talked to you about this a thousand times, I am done!
So pack up your pineapples, brah. 'Cause we're going home.
I'm sorry, but I'm almost 20 years old.
You can't tell me what to do.
That's not how it works anymore.
Aloha.
It means hello and goodbye.
Well, how dumb is that?
Look, you raised a good kid, OK.
Everything's gonna be fine. That's when I think about having my own kid...
- Oh, seriously? - What?
Grayson, my only son has just thrown away college,
and is living in a shack with a 50 year-old bald man.
I can't go through this again, honey. I can't, I'm so sorry, but...
I'm done with having kids.